Laughing Matter? Sheer Lunacy!

Laughing Matter - Laughing Policeman - Alex Taylor

Crime scenes a laughing matter? Hold that thought.

Success!

I am pleased to say that, after 15 months’ thumb-twiddling in Covid Purgatory, I was finally able to access the Gainesville Times archive and retrieve the final 25 columns written by my father, Prof. Alex Taylor. Maybe that’s begging the question a tad. The Times’ archive had been relocated to a newer Hall County library north of town. During the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, the archive was closed to visitation. It takes hours to retrieve and scan microfiche records. The Times’ archive had yet to be fully digitized. Since I reside in another state, purposeful visitation time was rare. Naturally, the pandemic hit during this effort. Glad that’s over!

And Now … um … Then!

From August 30, 1988, comes a smattering of levity. Five zingers for your scrolling fingers where crime became comedy gold. Oh, and to the ladies who read the last bit, that’s ’80s printbait … I think.

A full transcript and additional commentary follow the column.

Alex Taylor Tuesday - Crime Stories and History - Crime scenes can even be a laughing matter - Gainesville Times - 1988-8-30

TRANSCRIPT:

Crime scenes can even be a laughing matter
As you sit back to relax over a cup of fresh brewed coffee and homemade pound cake, peruse these amusing crime stories to help you unwind.
In New York City, a first-time bank robber ran into a Manhattan bank and yelled, “Everyone hit the floor, this is a holdup!” When he realized no one was standing to hand him the money . . . he promptly fainted!

An FBI agent in Oklahoma was hot on the trail of a fugitive from another state. When word came that he was heading for a small town, the agent called the local sheriff. “You send me a pitcher of that feller and I’ll get him good,” the sheriff promised. The agent promptly sent him a dozen photos of the wanted man — profiles, standing, sitting and in several different costumes. The next morning, the agent received an electrifying phone call. “We got 11 of those varmints locked up already,” boasted the sheriff, “And I guarantee to jug the last one afore morning!”
In North Florida, during a heated civil trial, two men were arguing over property rights and fence laws. One of the men, a wealthy landowner, wanted to force the other off a section that had better water rights. He also had hired the most prominent lawyer in town and was reasonably certain of his success. The attorney had the poor man on the witness stand and was attempting to lure him into slandering his client. “Isn’t it true, Mr. Sawyer, that you have often said Mr. Jordan was a crook?” “Well,” drawled the old man, “don’t know if I could rightly call him a crook, but if I was a chicken and he was in the neighborhood . . . I sure would roost a lot higher!”
The Chicago Tribune reported this incident with Alfred Hitchcock, director of movie mystery thrillers. Hitchcock stepped into a New York hotel elevator with a friend and immediately began talking as though continuing a conversation. “So, I turned on the lights and there was this girl in the middle of the floor. Her throat was slit and there was a great puddle of blood. Beside her body was a knife. I was in a spot. If I called the police, there’d be a nasty row, and if I didn’t, somebody would find me there. So I took out my handkerchief and carefully. . . ” At this point, the elevator stopped at Hitchcock’s floor and he quietly stepped off with his companion . . . leaving everybody on the car goggle-eyed!
In a Los Angeles taxicab, a man spotted a neatly wrapped little box in the corner of the seat. Handing it to the driver, he said, “Looks like one of your passengers forgot something.” With a nonchalant “Thanks” the driver opened the glove compartment and tossed in the package, which looked as though it had come from a jewelry shop. The man noticed several packages in the compartment and inquired about their contents. “These boxes are for a little game of psychology I play with my customers. I’ve found that four out of five men will return the package. But I guess women are just too curious or covetous. About four out of five will keep the box.” “What’s in the box?” the passenger asked. “Just a note,” he answered. “It says, CRIME DOES NOT PAY!”
-Alex Taylor’s column on history and criminology appears in The Times on Tuesdays.
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Next Taylor Tuesday column is no laughing matter. Our Professor describes a very personal encounter as a young patrolman one night, long ago.
T. Nelson Taylor - Author - Portrait - 2011

By T. Nelson Taylor

Author, Audio Engineer, Graphic Artist, Musician, Science Buff, Researcher, Flying skills, Upright Motorcyclist, Mood Critic.

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